Tough Talks With Your Parents
Today we are talking about difficult conversations adult children need to have with their parents. No one wants to think about our parents aging, but the sad reality is there will come in a point in our lives where parents may need the help of their children through the next stage of their journey.
Our parents are the people who taught us which makes it difficult to reverse those roles and be the ones making the decisions for their care and their future. Our recommendation is to talk with them while they are in good health and able to speak about their plans and their wishes, and before major life transitions. Before you are in a crisis situation and trying to make decisions on your own and in a time of duress.
Often the “how” of the approach is the biggest challenge. As much as we don’t want to see our parents age and see them lose their independence, they don’t want that either and this can make them vulnerable and probably even defensive.
We recommend approaching the subject with kindness and from a place of caring. Be open, be honest, be kind.
Make sure you include all the people that need to be there like the other adult children in the family. Acknowledge that this is awkward and difficult, ask questions and then listen. Hear what their wishes are. You may discover that their exact wishes can’t be met due to things like finances or lack of available facilities, but respecting their desires will help keep the discussion open. Acknowledge the life they have lived, the sacrifices they have made and offer reassurances that you will be there for them as they transition in life.
If you feel it necessary, there may be a point where someone outside the situation is needed. This may be a trusted friend that they will feel comfortable with or even professionals that can explain options and really get into the logistics of your situation.
Don’t be afraid to ask for help or guidance, but also trust that you know your situation and what is needed to have the conversations.
We’ve narrowed down some basics that are important to cover. Having these answers can be really helpful and it may uncover areas that need some research or even things you need to save for, in order to implement future plans.
Will and estate planning. This may be the absolute hardest thing to discuss. No one wants to talk about it. Lets just say the word, we are talking about death and that can be remarkably difficult, but this is part of the important conversations. I recommend focusing on the planning aspect, maybe that will help ease your mind a bit.
A will is important to the planning as having a will can make the passing of a parent easier to handle when it comes to the estate that is left. No matter what’s in that estate. Many people think of an estate as something for millionaires or people who have a lot of money but it actually pertains to everyone. What a person leaves behind is referred to as their estate no matter the size.
Any homes, vehicles or businesses are all part of their estate, so is any debt. Assets will need to be divided among an heirs. And it’s not always as simple as it sounds if the person doesn’t leave specific instructions for their belongings. They many want to leave specific items to specific people and that needs to be stated.
There is a legal process that has to be followed to make sure everyone is treated equally, etc.
The takeaway here is a person’s will explains THEIR intentions for their estate after their death and it can be helpful to the surviving family members during what is an extremely emotional time. Understand, this is not the time to worry about who gets what! This is making sure your parents have their wishes stated in a legal will. If not, there are laws that will then dictate what must happen. In some cases, any assets may have to be liquidated, the debt paid and the rest divided.
While this is all being decided however, the bills on the home, vehicles, etc have to be kept in good standing.
Naming someone as the executor of the estate is customary and helpful. This person can then be the contact for people like the estate lawyers as all these arrangements are being taken care of. Some choose family and some choose someone like a lawyer for this role so that family can remain more neutral. Bottom line, choosing who will be “in charge”, so to speak, can be a good thing.
One of the saddest things I’ve ever witnessed is a family being torn apart over “what they get” or how an estate was divided. Emotions can run high and it can be difficult for level heads to prevail when dealing with a loss. When it’s planned and everyone knows their role and how things will be divided, it removes that pressure and cause for friction. I speak from experience when I say, do all you can to have these things decided beforehand. Discuss it, do what you can to help. Don’t think of it as what’s in it for you, think about it as addressing your parents wishes. Then find a lawyer and draw up a will.
Debt - Do you know your parent’s overall debt situation? I’ve had many people tell me in my lifetime that they always thought the debt a person owed went away when that person passed. I admit when I was younger, I thought the same thing. It can be as simple as those bills or even more complicated if there are outstanding loans or lines of credit. Knowing where they stand can make a world in difference.
If your parents have debt, consider putting plans in place to pay some of it down and get them in a better financial situation, which can make things better for everyone. Less debt is always better, no matter what.
Retirement, assisted living, long term care - Find our your parents plans for retirement. Determine if the possibility of assisted living or long term care will be needed. Find out if they have investments to help them pay for their retirement years. Will what they have a need to be supplemented in order to meet all their bills? Is their house paid for? Do they have cars? Health insurance? All of these, and maybe more, are expenses that will need to be taken care of.
There may come a point where they need to consider an assisted living facility. This can be very difficult to accept. For them, they are leaving their home and their independence and it can be a hard thing to admit that they need to do this. If this is a choice you make, there are several things to consider like the cost involved and how to handle the home they are moving out of. Will it be sold? What if they have pets that need care? What about their vehicles? Of course, this may change as time goes by and circumstances change but a base plan can give you a head-start.
I’ve heard many parents say how they don’t want to use up their life savings on this. They are concerned about having something to leave their kids. It’s important for everyone to understand, this is about them. This is money they worked for and it should be used for their care and quality of life.
Having a plan in place or a guideline of their wishes can make this process much easier.
You hope that your parents will be able to age with minimal health issues but the possibility of them needing long term health care needs to be considered. Long term care insurance can cover things like nursing home stays, assisted living, in-home care givers and even things like home modifications. Without insurance however, it can be a huge expense. Dave Ramsey tells us that on average American spend $172,000 on long-term care. And the average cost in the United States for just one month in a nursing home is $7,698.
Medicare, Medicaid, health insurance, and disability insurance are not helpful for long term care. So, if your parents don’t have long term care insurance, it may be worth looking at. Look at all their insurance coverages and then consider what may need to be adjusted if anything.
All too often you see families taking on the role of care giver, moving their parent into their home and the like, and this may work for your family and be the way you want to take care of your parent. But for many it can take a major toll, mentally, physically and financially. Having this discussion could help you know what all your options are and make it easier to determine your best course of action when the time comes.
Life or burial insurance policies - This one gets a little touchy as well and can be difficult. Know who their policies are with, what type of policies they are and who the beneficiaries are so they can be contacted when the time comes.
Bonus tip - Know where they keep their account information. Being able to access a list of their accounts, where they are and how they are set up can be real time saver. This includes savings, checking, investments and lines of credit. It will be valuable to know, especially if there comes a point where they need help paying their bills. This helps make sure you don’t fall behind on any bills.
It can also be important when settling an estate. There won’t necessarily be a list of accounts included in their will. If they used a financial advisor, you can most likely consult them for their help with those items. If there’s not such a list, maybe you can help them create one. Include usernames and passwords!
The reality is, these transitions can happen quickly and take you by surprise. Even when you know this is coming, it is still a stressful time. The more you know and have planned, the easier it can be to move forward in a way that meets not just the NEEDS of your parents but follows their wishes.
Keep in mind, if you need help in these conversations or in the planning, reach out for help to a financial planner or advisor or your financial institution. Everyone’s situation is different, so there may be more or less for your family to discuss. Do what you need to do for your family.
The key takeaway here is to approach this with love and kindness. Ask questions. Ask them what they are proud of in their lives, and in their money journey. Ask them what they recommend you teach your children. Learn what their wishes are for you.
The truth is, these conversations can be awkward and difficult to have but the real heart of it is not about money… it’s about them. It’s about the legacy they leave… its about taking care of them and having the best plan in place so you can to do that… so talk, but listen more…